The Manchester derby? Pah. Sevilla v Barcelona? Small potatoes. Forget the football; the only truly unmissable event this weekend is the return of medieval fantasy sex violence and power romp Game of Thrones. But surely in these I-want-it-all-and-I-want-it-now times there must be a way of combining the two? Here, ESPN FC imagines a world where football and Game of Thrones meet...
IMPORTANT: the following article is based only on the events of the TV show, and not the George R.R. Martin A Song of Ice and Fire books that inspired it.
For a while there everything seemed to be going so well. The north had risen, the Lannisters were being given a good kicking in the Riverlands while the young wolf and the King in the North, Robb Stark, seemed unbeatable.
It was a similar story in Brazil this summer: o país do futebol was on the march, Croatia, Mexico, Cameroon, Chile and Colombia had been put to the sword and young Neymar seemed unbeatable.
Until it all went badly wrong for Robb and Neymar. First the King in the North, his pregnant wife and his mum Catelyn Stark were killed at the infamous Red Wedding massacre, as millions of viewers all around the world gawped in shock and horror. Then Neymar and his "mum" Luiz Felipe Scolari were overrun at the infamous Mineirão massacre against the Germans, as millions of viewers all around the world gawped in shock and horror (with perhaps the odd smirk of amusement thrown in for good measure).
Ok, so Neymar wasn't actually at the Minerão massacre but y'know, poetic license and all that. Another "Where GoT Meets Football" pairing was also absent from their house/country's respective grisly ends: blubbering duo Sansa Stark, GoT's weepiest character, and Thiago Silva, the world's weepiest footballer.
One character who might have helped out at the Red Wedding was lumbering giant and Stark family servant, Hodor. Or maybe not; Hodor's sluggish wits and gentle nature mean he often finds it difficult to put his massive physical strength to effective use. In that way (minus the gentle nature) his doppelganger must surely be Man United's Phil Jones.
Further north even than the Stark family home of Winterfell lies The Wall, and beyond The Wall dwell the Wildlings. It is a barren, far flung outpost inhabited by a savage folk, known for their warlike nature and led by the brave and stalwart Mance Rayder. Those charged with defending The Wall live in dread of being invaded by this unruly mob, just as France, Germany, Spain and the rest of the Euro 2016 big boys will soon be quaking in terror at the thought of doing battle with the footballing Wildlings from the barren, far flung outpost of Northern Ireland (or to give it its full GoT sounding title, Norn Iron) led by the brave and stalwart Kyle Lafferty, with a little help from occasional substitute and Ygritte lookalike Paddy McCourt.
But it is time now to leave the chilly north and head south with a quick detour over to the west to visit the Iron Islands, home of the Ironborn, whose motto, "that which is dead can never die" has puzzled many a GoT viewer. Fret no longer, however, for the phrase is clearly a reference to Arsenal's hopes of ever lifting the Premier League title again. Said hopes are usually dead in the water before the season has even begun, yet somehow, they never seem to quite die out completely. A quick apology is probably due to readers for suggesting that an Arsene Wenger side could ever merit the tag of Ironborn.
South then, at last, to the relatively cosmopolitan pleasures of bustling King's Landing.
Sitting on the throne (from the middle of the first series onwards, at least) is petulant and paranoid megalomaniac Joffrey Baratheon, protected by his brutishly effective bodyguard Sandor Clegane, known as The Hound. Also in King's Landing are Jaime Lannister, Joffrey's uncle/father (it's complicated), who starts off the show as arrogant and cruel before revealing a more human side as the years (and life) take their toll. Any similarities to present and former Chelsea idols Jose Mourinho, John Terry, and Frank Lampard are of course entirely coincidental.
Joffrey/Jose's cruelest moment came with the chilling beheading of hardworking, honourable Ned Stark. Stark's football equivalent, then, is surely David Moyes, a good man patently unsuited to the politics and pressures of courtly life in the great metropolis of Manchester (although it should probably be remembered here that his reign at Old Trafford ended with the sack and not the actual loss of his head).
Moyes' predecessor at Old Trafford, the imposing, formidable Alex Ferguson, also makes an appearance in GoT as the imposing, formidable Tywin Lannister, though it is to be hoped Sir Alex is allowed to see out his dotage in peace rather than ending up, like Tywin, shot with a crossbow while sitting on the can.
No GoT round-up would be complete without mentioning the Lord of Dragonstone himself, Stannis Baratheon. Grim, unsmiling, and a man who no doubt lists jaw-clenching, baleful glaring, and perpetually being ticked off about something among his hobbies, his footballing double must surely be Roy Keane. And just as sinister svengali Melisandre, the Red Woman, is always on hand to provide Stannis with spiritual guidance, so faithful companion Triggs the golden retriever was always there to give Keano tips on strategy and man management, until sadly passing away a few years ago.
Bad news, however, for the Lannisters, the Baratheons and the Starks. For the real enemy may come from across the Narrow Sea. "They're all just spokes on a wheel... this one's on top, then that one's on top... I'm not going to stop the wheel, I'm going to break the wheel", drones Daenerys Targaryen in the Season 5 trailer.
Daenerys, short in stature yet utterly deadly, is surely GoT's Xavi. More than that -- with her dragons and enormous Unsullied army threatening to cut the pompous upstarts on the other side of the ocean to ribbons -- she is also Barcelona, PSG, Monaco, Besiktas, Fiorentina, Dynamo Kyiv and, well, basically any other half decent European side called upon to teach flabby Premier League outfits a footballing lesson.
There are many more football vs. GoT "separated at birth" moments: Peter Crouch working as a stunt double for Brienne of Tarth. Theon Greyjoy lookalike David De Gea (thankfully only physical, rather than narrative, similarities here). How about the magnificent, strutting Adonis Zlatan Ibrahimovic as magnificent, strutting Adonis Khal Drogo. Or Mesut Ozil's eyes transplanted onto Arya Stark's face, Sam Allardyce's belly standing in for Robert Baratheon's belly... the list goes on.
To end though, perhaps the most football themed GoT line of all. "You know nothing, Jon Snow," becomes Ygritte's withering catchphrase as the pair traipse across the snowy wastes beyond The Wall. Replace Ygritte with just about anyone who has ever cared passionately about a team, a result or even about the sport itself and Jon Snow with the name of dodgy referee/floundering manager/FIFA president/TV analyst of choice.
Suddenly it becomes clear that GoT has really been about football all along.